Looking up at these pale yellow walls, about to be put to sleep. This room was the exact place just 13 months before we welcomed our baby girl into the world. This time was a completely different story. I was about to go under for a d&c. I remember that cheesy poster peeling off of the wall and the Arabic spoken all around me, kind faces helping me. Though the situation was sorrowful, especially to be in the same place, it was also a precious reminder of the gifts God has given us and His presence then and now. We thought we would be welcoming a fourth child into the world sometime in February but God chose to take this little one home before we could ever tell anyone. My initial reaction was not one of complete trust but of deep sorrow, and self pity. The night I realized what was happening It was just the kids and I and my husband was out meeting with a man seeking truth. Seeking God. I fought with irritation and anger. Sorrow seemed to be winning yet when morning came, so came a peace only God can give. I wondered how I would care for three when I was so emotionally drained myself? But He provides, He always does. I feared having to go through any procedure and prayed I wouldn’t have to. But He had a different plan. I was irritated, I was returning to this old hospital. Why didn’t I go to a newer one? But He had reasons for that too. When I woke up I heard a baby crying and I thought it was yaelle. Then I heard my husband’s voice. As I recollected what happened and how I was in the same room again, I shed tears but not only out of sorrow, but joy for the fact that my Heavenly Father wanted me to know He was there. Even while I slept, especially in this. I would never hear the cry of this baby, but it’s first cry will be a song of praise in the presence of Jesus.
As we returned home to a house full of people, and a baby bird (Judson rescued) I couldn’t help but be reminded of this little one now in heaven and the picture God gave me of one more voice singing His praises, in His presence right now.
So as I hear this baby bird’s song. I am reminded of this picture and my child is far better off singing to my Savior. Though I may not understand it all, His grace and mercy overwhelm me. I can only look at this time and see goodness and comfort, in an unlikely situation.