Since we’re working on being honest this post may cause you to think differently of me, but that’s ok.
When we first started this journey I was all about the mission field and maybe the excitement for living for something so much bigger than myself seemed amazing. (I still feel that way) but somewhere along the way I lost sight of what it’s all about. For me, it was getting married and then children, and I really had something to lose. It wasn’t just me anymore. But don’t let that fool you, it may sound nice, but it’s really just selfish and plain old idolatry. As the years passed I tried to focus on The Lord and how he would take care of us, but in the back of my mind I always wondered what was in it for me? How would this benefit me? Or my children, would I have to make a decision that would make us uncomfortable? After all we were leaving our family behind! I also developed the attitude of I deserve certain things like comfort and praise and if I wasn’t getting it I felt jipped.
So obviously the Lord saw fit to break me, and it wasn’t pretty. Some of which was humiliating the other just tough. He really had to take me to the point where I knew I was nothing. That feeling of failure in every avenue of life.
I really can’t explain it other than to say He knew when I was ready to have my eyes opened to the truth.
The fact is this desire I had to go to a far away place to share Christ’s love, had been buried under my own desires and expectations of God. I ended up going along with my husbands work promising I was going to be a good wife and serve alongside of him. Yet when times got tough I secretly blamed Him. Sometimes not so secretly. As I’ve gone through this process The Lord has shown me He gave ME this life, He gave my children this life. they are not missing out, I am not missing out. We are beyond blessed. This is not my husbands job or field it’s just as much mine. I am called to North Africa just as much as my husband. We are one.
I used to get stressed thinking, “how are we going to be comfortable and happy enough?” to realizing none of that matters and that’s not where my joy comes from anyway. It’s easy to feel like the grass is greener. But the truth is, the grass is green just where we are, we’re just not looking at it. We are too busy looking at the other grass, to see our own, if we would just look around us, we would see the truth. I have seen The Lord change my heart from one of selfishness and feeling as though I deserve for all the “sacrifices” we make, to one more able to trust him with gratitude, Knowing He gives abundantly above, and most importantly it’s just not about me!
Life is just more beautiful when we let go and say it’s all about you Lord. Not about my time, or place, or status, or position. There’s such a freedom in admitting to God, It’s truly you and your will because wether I give it or not you will get the Glory. It’s humbling to think we could have any part in that.