This post is purely from the heart, and first of all I understand that my “..heart [is] deceitful above all [things], and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
So from the beginning I am aware that we can never trust how we feel, but in all honesty there are some days when it is so hard to look past my feelings as the “outsider.” I come across things on facebook, or emails and I realize. I just don’t fit into that life any more. Then I start to look around and realize, I really don’t fit in here either. I speak with an accent and then the other language I can barely speak at all. But people have been gracious anyway. I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in anywhere any more. But then I think back and remember I have always felt this way no matter where I have been. I don’t know if it is just me, or did God make me this way? Maybe he made every Christian this way? Because we are not home, nor will we ever be until we are with Jesus. Makes living life in a foreign country a little less weird, and a little more weird. 🙂
I am grateful for the life God has given me from childhood up. He has molded me and created me to live this life. I try to remember that on days when I see things I am “left out of”, mostly my own fault for not being better at keeping in touch. Which my husband tells me is ok, part of how God made us, not so hung up on things at home that I can’t live a life here. But at the same time I want the people I care about to know I think about them and pray for them. Working on balance in that area for sure.
But one thing lately that has helped me in knowing that there are reasons beyond my comprehension for all the little things we seem to “go through” is so we can be a blessing and maybe have a tiny understanding of what others may go through. Makes me think of Christians in closed countries, some of them are completely alone, and their only fellowship is with a christian television station. Some are not Christians yet, but know that if and when they choose to make that decision they basically become outcasts for the rest of their life. Some are learning what Christianity is all about and have accepted Christ in complete faith knowing that they will Never Fit in. Being a Christian in a Muslim country is not popular.
I am inspired just seeing these testimonies lived out, these are our heroes of the faith.